I Know, I Know...

Trust in the Lord.

That's what I've been taught. That's what I believe. It's what I know to be right. But sometimes it's painstakingly difficult to do. I hate it when my sinful nature takes over what my spirit knows is right...and wins.

I already blogged about my Monday when the results were given from the speech clinician about my daughters verbal delayment. Now it's my sons turn. He was born with a moderate hearing loss in one ear and a severe loss in the other ear. Last year, the severe loss went to a profound degree. I remember saying to a friend, "I already have deaf children - do they have to be more deaf?" God is in control, right?

Well, we're crossing that mountain again. I've known for quite a while that something wasn't right. With his aids, he can normally hear me quite well and only needs signing during reading time or school work instructions. Not anymore. He can be a foot in front of me and say, "What? Can you please sign?"

I didn't want to make an appointment for a sound field testing. I don't want to be faced with another harsh dose of reality. That stupid pill is so hard to swallow. But, it was necessary. So, today, I faced the music.

The reason for his inability to hear like he used to? His moderate loss is now profound. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Crushed? To say the least. Heartbroken? Beyond words. Perplexed? More than I can describe.

My son had no idea what was being said, so he questioned me when we got in the car. I explained the scenario as briefly and lightheartedly as I could. But no matter how hard he tried to hide his disappointment, his eyes whelped up. "Mom?" "Yes?" "Why is it that I pray and pray for God to heal me but instead He makes it worse?"

Ugh.

I somehow mustered up the ability to encourage his little spirit and remind him that God is in control and that we must trust Him. He smiled and was a joy the rest of the evening. Oh, to have that child-like faith.

That was sure easy. What now? Telling myself what I just told my son. I know all the perfect things to say. I am aware of all the right things to believe. I know all the correct scripture verses to quote and stand firm on. I can preach a powerful message to myself and mean every word I say.

But sometimes it takes a while to reach my heart. That humongous road from the brain to the heart is unbelievable bumpy and lengthy.

I will trust in You, Lord. I know You love my son more than I do. I know You see our hurt and You care. I know that you have amazing things in store for my little man. I really do.

I thank you for giving me this precious little guy. I thank you for creating him that way You did. But, please forgive me, Lord, as I take my hand from Yours - just for a moment...to wipe away some tears.

He's Yours God.