I Still Trust You

My day actually started out glorious - not even an inkling of worry in the air. Enjoyed my 6 a.m. run with an awesome friend, hit four stores before 9 a.m. to grab my freebies, got caught up on some chores and then spent a few hours shopping with my daughter before I had to pick up my youngest from a friends house for an appointment he had.

That's when it happened. One of the worst days I have had in a while. A day that I don't want to repeat.

Ever. The sad part is...I have.

Three times before.

I've experienced the sweeping of this mental tornado too many times already. There is just nothing like your heart aching for your children.

It's my baby boy. The one who was born with a moderate to severe hearing loss but now has a profound loss in both ears. Although he just received new hearing aids in December, about 3 weeks ago, things began to change again. He just wasn't hearing right. He had to be right in front of you before he could understand your words. We blamed his allergies and all the drainage. I cleaned the molds - more than once. I cleaned his ears - every 4-5 days. Then the realization became apparent. His hearing just plummeted again.

These are one of those times when I wish I were wrong. I typically enjoy being right ... but not today.

The drive home was gut-wrenching. The silence was so loud. I was sure both of the kids heard all the voices in my head. The battled dialogue going on inside of me had to be obviously heard. I finally decide to peek in the rear-view mirror.

There he is. Slumped over the armrest. I know he's tired from his overnight stay at his friend's house, but his body language screamed something different. I call his name only to see his dripping face look up at me with those huge, brown, puppy dog-eyes. It's more than I can handle. Only two miles from home, I pull the car over and climb to the back seat where I embrace this confused and hurting child. We cry together while he speaks, "I didn't expect this. Why, momma, why?"

We have some hard decisions to make concerning Adam's hearing. I know that God will give us the wisdom to make the best choice as well as the strength to follow through and the patience to deal with the situation at hand.

I know that. I truly believe it. "I still trust You, Lord." I uttered those words as I walked aimlessly around the house today.

While the exhausted young man sleeps away some of his tiredness and pain, I turn to the keyboard. Sometimes it is medicinal for me. Although my shirt is stained with the salt water leaking from my eyes, I feel the Lord's embrace around me. I had just begun to write when a dear friend called. Coincidence? No. Perfect timing from the Lord. I needed to cry some more so the Lord sent her.

As my devotion said today, "Life is hard, but God is good - all the time."

Thank you, Father, for seeing my hurt and caring.

My thankful journal will not be empty tonight...there is still plenty to write.And for that - I am thankful.