When I started bearing children 17 years ago, I had no idea it would feel this way. I'm not sure I would have changed my mind on the desire to fill my home with little people that share my last name, but a few clues along the way might have helped my mindset.
I hate being clueless. I don't consider myself a control-freak but I really would have liked a little more preparation than I received.
I'm sure you feel this way as well. I know you'll stand and shout 'Amen' when you're finished reading this.
I just never knew my heart would ache so badly when my children are hurting.
My precious little ones aren't so little any more. At a ripe age of 12, almost 14 and 17, they feel things more deeply than ever before. Disagreements with a friend cut to the core. Feeling left out and abandoned bring them tears that stain their pillowcases. Other children who do not understand their disability and stare, cause resentment in their minds wondering why they aren't 'normal'. Sinful actions which result in painful punishments bring remorse - something they are not used to feeling. Special relationships gone sour leave them confused, rejected and overwhelmed. Add a high dose of testosterone and puberty changes and I will show you a household with emotions that run at a new level - weekly!
What does that mean for mom and dad - where do we fit in this whole growing up picture?
It means that we hurt with them. We cry when they cry and get angry when they are. I just never realized how badly my heart would hurt - on their behalf. It actually boggles my mind to know that we have the ability to have such compassion for another soul. Of course, it only makes sense.
Jesus did.
And we are created in His own image. So what do we do now?
Pray. Pray some more. Continue praying. Pray without ceasing.
Pray that they maintain a gentle spirit with a compassionate heart. Pray that the Lord guides them through the present turmoil and each event in their future. Pray that the Lord makes His voice known to them so that they can hear it over the massive worldly white noise. Pray that God will heal their hurting hearts and bring peace to their minds.
I really don't want to hurt like this anymore...but neither do my children. I have no intentions of allowing them to ever go through the hurtful times in their lives alone, so together we will stand strong. Together we will stay united. Together we will seek God's will and guidance while pointing the children back to the cross.
Jesus understands our hurts. He knows exactly how we feel. Just as we will never emotionally abandon our children, God has promised to never leave us.After all - Jesus wept too.
Blessings,
Rhonda
WOW, now that was a tear-jerker!! When I first started reading, I thought, what didn't I prepare her for? But you're right, even though my heart broke everytime my children were rejected or made fun of, I decided that it wasn't good for my kids to know that. They already had enough to deal with, without knowing that Mom was hurting too and feeling partly responsible.
ReplyDeleteSo, you're right, I didn't prepare you and I'm not sorry, it would have broken your little spirits if you'd known how bad I hurt. I was the Mom, my job was to stay strong and lead you all through all those horrible hurts.
I love you, your blog was beautifully written honey.
Mom
I don't think that it was an issue of you not preparing me, but rather you feel things differently as a parent than the child of a parent. Thank you for all you did and for your words of encouragement!
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful piece of writing Rhonda, and so very true. Even after all I have been through, the most painful was seeing and knowing my child was in pain, whether it was physical, emotional or spiritual. This is the deepest pain I have ever felt. It makes me think of our Lord, and how He must of felt when His child was hurting, and dying for us. Your Mom was right, it would have broken our spirits. Like the song "The Dance", And now I'm glad I didn't know
ReplyDelete"The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance"
You writing is a special gift Miss Rhonda, and I enjoy it very much, I hope you don't mind me reading and commenting on it. Your Mom is so very proud of you. God bless you and keep you always.